Returning to self in Toronto
Although it didn’t feel like it at the time the year I spent working and travelling abroad before returning to Toronto, has really changed me.
And to be more accurate, it made me remember who I am. It woke me up. Social programming in most democratic societies create illusions that we feel we need to live up to in order to feel self worth. And while as we force ourselves into a routine that feels unnatural; we slowly give up little pieces of our freedom and our creative spirit. We find substances that give momentary pleases and form addictions to them, because they now become the source of our happiness. It all happens very slowly and seamlessly. Since everyone around us is doing it too, we have the illusion that everything is OK, because others are doing it too.
Certainly there is a value to a routine, but it has to be one that we choose and one that we can change at any given time – so we can feed our creative spirit. Or find a way to do what we love every minute of the day.
It was close to the end of my journey when I was stunned by revelations that somehow escaped me until than. Things I knew from before I was 4 years old, that I put aside or simply forgot. Suddenly all the dots were connecting and the big picture became somewhat clear. Doing what I needed to do, what I had planned to do years ago, gave me the clarity. I was finally ready to see the world without my pink shades.
First it became clear, just how far I’ve let my health go and how I, along with everyone else had been telling myself that “everything is going to be OK,” without doing very much to make it so.
Second I finally understood why all Eastern European people appear to be exceptionally paranoid. I understood just how well information is hidden and the how systems that do so, do it so seamlessly. While I am still on a level where much of my knowledge is theoretical in terms of life experiences; the things I was able to see while my spirit was pure in my childhood and the the levels and systems of control that govern the general public are not.
Simply put, when bad things happen it is not accidental it is because someone wants it exactly that way. There are also no coincidences and there is no such thing as a “free lunch”.
What made me feel at peace with these horrific revelations is something I always knew. Fighting “the good fight” has to be done with the utmost compassion and kindness. We are on the same side.
My last realization came only recently. Seems I’ve wasted a lot of time being a “people pleaser,” spreading myself so thin that I no longer had the energy to do the things I truly love and cherish.
So I’ve been vegan for three months, I’ve given up caffeine, alcohol, chemicals in food, and processed food (to be fair this was not really something I practiced much anyway). And while I’m not planning to be 100% anything forever, except my authentic self, I am so much happier now.
I’m de-cluttering my space, no longer attached to material things, even high quality clothes (my only vice).
I’m also de-cluttering emotions and relationships. I’m no longer giving my energy to emotional vampires who used to regularly feed off of me, because I had the mistaken impression that I was helping them rather than facilitating their unhealthy habit.
Instead I’m putting efforts into growing the relationships that matter, the ones that help me grow as well. I want to do things I like doing; I want to talk about things I like talking about.
I’ve never had the slightest interest in gossip, illusionary status, sexual promiscuity, endless conversations about dating, doing the same thing over and over while expecting a different result, judging other people or whining about problems and how things are not working out. I love positive energy, yoga, sunshine, nature, music, cultural delights, beauty, and there is plenty of that in Toronto. I want to focus on that.
I love animals and the environment; I’m furiously passionate about human rights and ethical moral behaviour in general; I love politics, the news, law and policy, health, travel, and fashion; new tech, innovation and sustainability is a way to making the world great again (insert joke here, he-he).
I think numbers rule the world because it’s a language we can all understand, but that won’t stop me from learning my fifth, sixth, seventh language. And my greatest passion, digging for information, is something I’ll be doing for a long time, because when I start digging for something I think is worthwhile I just can’t and won’t stop.
And I’ll be sharing it all with you, so stay tuned.
By:
✘
𝓛𝓸𝓿𝓮,
𝓐𝓙☙
